It's okay to not be productive.

I have been struggling recently with the need to FEEL purposeful. I can remember feeling like what I did actually mattered when I taught 7th grade. Not because my students needed to know the ins and outs of a Punnet square, but because a lot of my students had less-than-stellar home lives and needed someone to talk to... I felt needed. The same can be said for when I was a youth ministry leader. I took teen girls out for calorie-laden Starbucks "desserts" masquerading as drinks, to hear them pour out their hearts. I listened, prayed, guided them to Jesus as best as I could, all the while feeling like my life had meaning, purpose.

These days, I don't have much of that. I navigate a LOT of toddler conflict. "are those kind words? Try again." "It is not loving to hit your brother." "Are you being considerate of your sleeping sister if you're yelling inside?" It feels weighty... and not in the way that it should. Because, it IS weighty, in the sense that I am being blessed with the opportunity to disciple nonbelievers from birth, to be their primary influence. But it feels weighty in the sense that I don't get any kind of FEELING of fulfillment. I don't FEEL purposeful. Another zoo trip. Another book. Another diaper change. Another load of laundry. Task after task.

I love my children. In fact, today is one of those magical mornings where they, for the most part, have played together very well... I've chosen NOT to be productive. I could have worked out, done laundry and dishes, cleaned the bathroom. Instead I finished a book, drank coffee, and made myself a second breakfast of runny fried eggs. I have been sure to sneak peeks in on them, to see my boys playing side by side, creating and imagining. The living room is a mess of blankets, pillows and blocks. They are laughing and my heart is so full.

So, while I may not FEEL purposeful or productive, I may not FEEL as if my life is fulfilling, I am grateful that God tells me in Philippians 4:8 to focus on what is TRUE. I often tell me son this... yes, your feelings are a gift from God and they are so valid, but what is true?

Truth- my purpose is to glorify God. Truth- He created me in my mother's womb; He knit me together purposefully for this moment. Truth- there is no greater calling than being faithful to what He is calling me to today. Truth- my life won't suddenly begin once my kids are grown. This is my life NOW. Truth- this is a blessing. Truth- God is entrusting me with three little souls to disciple and shape for decades.

So, while I may not feel purposeful or productive, God's word says I am, and the Word of the Lord proves true.