My heart...

It overflows with love for these two little guys... Yet it can still be so divided and selfish. How can I love them so much? Yet plead inwardly for the shared nap time that rarely happens... just so I can mindlessly binge watch Netflix while washing dishes or cleaning the bath tub?

How will they remember me when they are older? I want our home to be filled with laughter and joy and messes. I want them to want to be home... to want to be around me... to enjoy each other and their father.

Is that an environment I can really force? Or create? Or is it just an outflow, an outpouring, of what is in my heart or hearts?

Can I conjure up enough willpower to choose my sons selflessly over my menial, mundane tasks? My selfishness so regularly keeps me from playing trucks on the floor... drawing a dump truck with sidewalk chalk over and over... holding a 19 lb six-month-old and playing peek-a-boo. I want a heart that is so filled with hope for Jesus and belief that motherhood and children are a calling that truly matters. I want a heart that loves and values my husband and seeks ways to outdo him in showing honor. I want a heart that puts the interests of my children before my own interests.

Please, Lord.