When you're embarrassed of your spouse's sin...

I think it's no secret that as sinners living side-by-side in a fallen world, there are going to be occasions when we embarrass one another or are embarrassed of one another.

It starts fairly young. I distinctly remember instances of being embarrassed of my siblings or parents, be it the way they dressed or something they said, but I felt embarrassed. I had expectations of how they were supposed to speak or act that best benefited me and, to my dismay, they did not get the memo.

Fast forward a couple of decades and I find myself married, much to my surprise, another sinner.
I think, maybe, in the secular world the spousal standards are a little lower. Enter the church world? The bar is raised. It's not enough to stay faithful physically, now husbands are called to stay faithful mentally and wives to stay faithful emotionally. It's not enough to avoid physical violence, now both are called to use words that encourage and build up. While I thoroughly agree with the biblical standards for relationships, I am just defending my position that the church requires more of our spouses.

In saying that, once you add children to the mix, there's another bar, another set of expectations. We are discipling little souls and laziness or reactivity are not acceptable.

When viewed as simply that- another checklist of unattainable standards, family life within the church can feel overwhelming. And this allows significantly more opportunities for spouses to begin to feel embarrassed or ashamed when their spouse isn't measuring up.

On our family outing my wife snapped at our children multiple times.

My husband spent our son's entire soccer game on his phone.

My wife was a total glutton at the church potluck.

My husband didn't engage at ALL during the discussion at small group.

My wife never seems to enjoy singing during Sunday morning service.

We find ourselves looking over our shoulders, curious who else is watching, assuming everyone else has a more godly spouse than we do. We start to carry the burden and shame of our spouse's sin... feeling that, now that two have become one, we share sin struggles as well.

But when this happens, I can assure you, it's not because we hate the sin.

It's because we think their sin reflects on me.

In an air of self-righteousness and judgment, we assume that our association with our spouse and their sin, casts a shadow on our own holiness. We stop seeing the long process of sanctification in our spouse and wish it was an one-time event. We stop praying for their hearts and our own, and start attempting to control the situation, perhaps by picking fights or making passive-aggressive comments. We do this because we are by no means concerned for their hearts, but for our own image and reputation.

If this is you and you find yourself embarrassed of your spouse in the context of the body of Christ, might I make a few suggestions?

1. Pray for your OWN heart. Search your motives and do a little introspective digging. Why does this particular sin embarrass you? What do you think it says about your spouse? What do you think it says about you?

2. Don't miss the flowers for the weeds. Chances are, if your spouse really loves Jesus and is pursuing a relationship with Him, s/he IS becoming more like Christ. Sanctification is slow... but inevitable. No one drifts toward holiness, as D.A. Carson says, and the same is true for your spouse. It is a battle upstream that requires lots of prayer from those closest to you.

3. Pray. I canNOT stress this enough. Pray for your spouse. I have a note card with a verse for each of my family members (spouse and children) that I am praying. God's word does NOT return empty (Isaiah 55). Believe it and pray it. Trust your spouse to the Lord.

4. Passive aggressive comments or attempts to control external behavior will never work. You might get your spouse (or child for that matter) to stop the behavior for a short while, but without a heart change, they will absolutely return to their sin. You are not the Holy Spirit.

5. Don't talk about heavy things in the heat of the moment or when you're feeling particularly emotional. It's a lot more difficult to be level-headed and you're likely to result to passive-aggressive comments, manipulation or sarcasm.

I'll conclude with this... you'll never regret kindness. Your relationship with your spouse is the most important earthly relationship you will have. Pursue reconciliation at all costs. It is always worth it.